What I’ve Learned Reading ‘Why You Should Wake Up at 5 am’ Stories, in Bed at 10 am
If the breathless admiration of productivity enthusiasts everywhere is the worm, then the early bird definitely gets it. As someone who exists firmly on the night-owl end of the spectrum, I’ve been internalizing this message for a long time.
Even as a kid, I would prefer to spend Saturday mornings dozing in my twin bed like a human Garfield while my sister watched the actual cartoon Garfield. In the evenings, I delighted in uttering my catch-phase, which was, “I’m neeeeever tired.” See: Parental nightmares, what they’re made of.
Night owls understand that societal norms are stacked against us from the beginning. Yes, there has been increasing research suggesting it doesn’t matter when you’re productive as long as you can identify the times that you are productive. But, really, we can see that the world has been set up for those whose circadian rhythms cheerfully wake them at 4 in the morn.
Coincidentally, those are also the best hours for setting up societal rules and posting clickbait stories about them—clickbait stories that happen to be the night owl’s worm. Here, the lessons I’ve gleaned from those worms:
Lesson 1: I will never write morning pages.
Morning pages are those three pages you’re supposed to write by hand every day before you’re fully conscious in order to prime the pump of your brain. They ensure that you live your best life and will drive away anyone whom you tell about your habit of writing morning pages.
Lesson 2: Productivity can happen at any time. Spirituality? Not so much.
The predawn hours are the only time one can say the prayers that will set them up for the day. Jesus and other religious entities (but usually Jesus) get busy after 8 a.m.
Lesson 3: I will fail miserably at meditation.
In fact, most belief systems reward those who wake at least four hours before they have to be anywhere.
Lesson 4: I will never optimize my metabolism.
The rate at which calories are burned throughout the day is dependent upon guzzling a glass of 67-degree water first thing upon waking. At 4 a.m.
Lesson 5: Running a marathon? Ha!
Training to run 26.2 miles (or any number of miles) begins pre-sun rise or half past never.
Lesson 6: A yoga practice will elude me.
Fact: Proper form for downward dog isn’t even possible post-9 a.m.
Lesson 7: I can kiss proactivity goodbye.
But it’s okay because only morning people know what “proactivity” even is.
Lesson 8: I will consume carbs for breakfast.
If one wakes after 8, one is doomed to live that gluten life.
Lesson 9: I won’t be #blessed.
Everyone knows the best Instagrams are snapped in morning’s golden light. Except for those that are snapped during evening’s magic hour, but no one who matters is looking at Instagram then.
Lesson 10: I will be in a #mood.
Those who are unable to exercise before reporting to work shall be a grouch all the livelong day.
Lesson 11: I will never make a collagen smoothie.
Wrinkles are nigh. My face must never be seen in daylight.
Lesson 12: My mind will forever be noisy.
And my bed will never be made. And I will die alone.
Lesson 13: I will always be an ungrateful little wench.
When do you think those gratitude journal entries get written, sister?
Lesson 14: I will never cross off the hardest item on my to-do list.
That’s alright, because without embracing sunrise o’clock, I’ll never have the time to write a to-do list anyway.
Lesson 15: My dog will never be walked.
Yet I’ll never clean up her accidents because I will have lost the ability to spray from a bottle and hold a paper towel.
Lesson 16: I will never develop willpower.
I will, however, lose the will to live.
Lesson 17: I won’t find time to spend with my family.
Lol, I don’t have a family!
Lesson 18: My email inbox will grow fangs and actually attack me, possibly maiming me for life.
I would write more about this, but I physically can’t.
Lesson 19: I’ll never post a story about all the things I’ll never get to do.
What is a bucket list? I never got around to reading all the stories I saved about this phenomenon, and now I seem to have become illiterate.
Lesson 20: I am dead now.
Hit snooze for me, okay?